February 7, 2008

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

A judge ruled that jailed Michael Vick can keep nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the Atlanta Falcons. Vick was relieved, as he’s got a really big dogfight coming up.

Chad Johnson is very upset at the Bengals, making him a true Cincinnati resident.

NHL player Nik Antropov was suspended for 3 games for throwing his stick at officials. Fortunately the stick landed in the stands, where there was no one to injure.

Alyssa Milano has begun to blog for the NHL. Because she ran out of baseball players.

World ice-dancing champion Maxim Staviski has received a 2 1/2-year prison sentence for a drunken driving accident. A guy in a spandex unitard in prison. Nothing could go wrong there.

Former Olympic canoeing champion Frantisek Capek has died of an unspecified heart problem at the age of 93. Doctors could have saved him if they hadn’t tragically reached for the wrong paddles.

Ballers Latrell Sprewell and Glen Rice have both had assault charges against them dropped. Maybe Johnnie Cochrane isn’t dead after all.

The Toronto Raptors tied a franchise record with a 39-point victory. Shockingly, it was not against the Knicks.

Bob Knight officially resigned, having finally thrown his last chair.

And Chuck Knoblauch said his involvement in the steroid investigation has been blown way out of proportion. Like Roger Clemens’ head.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

January 24, 2008

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Dan Marino’s cell phone went off twice on a CBS’ Sprint Halftime Report. Turns out it was Tom Brady and Eli Manning, calling to rub it in.

The Super Bowl is set with the Giants and the Patriots. It’s about time New York and Boston had some kind of rivalry.

Muhammad Ali Enterprises is launching an official online store. Details are still shaky.

The good news is that Justine Henin and Maria Sharapova battled at the Australian Open. The bad news is they were both fully clothed.

NCAA Division II will expand to Canada, in a new division known as the N-C-Eh-Eh.

Bobby Knight has become the first men’s Division I coach to reach 900 victories. Knight thanked IKEA.

The Lakers’ injury list continues to grow. Pretty soon, Kobe Bryant will run out of people to not pass to.

And Miami baller Alonzo Mourning announced he may not retire after this year. Just what Florida needs: more old people who can’t drive. Why not stick around? The team’s doing great with him. How bad are the Miami Heat? In comparison, the Dolphins are now just mediocre.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

January 17, 2007

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Bejing Olympic torch will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square, before being crushed by a tank.

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are “untouchable.” Much like plague victims and lepers. Despite this, Thomas believes that the women in the organization are plenty touchable.

New Jersey Net Jason Kidd is having a child with his girlfriend. Kidd is excited to be credited with the assist.

Congress called a special hearing to tell Major League Baseball to crack down on steroids. Because they’ve really got that whole war issue wrapped up.

Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison. But with her speed, she’ll be out in three.

And double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has said he will appeal his ban from competing in the Beijing Olympics. It’s nice to hear he’s still stumping for change. It’s a nice gesture, but legally the guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on. When reached for comment, Pistorious said, “arrrrr!”

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

January 10, 2008

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Maria Sharapova claimed that Women’s Tennis is free from corruption. However, there are financial bonuses for grunting.

The already retired Martina Hingis has been inexplicably banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. That’ll show her. Officials learned of her cocaine problem after she snorted the service line.

New York Jets safety Kerry Rhodes is dating one of the team’s offensive lineman. I’m sorry - he’s dating Jennifer Hudson.

Grambling head coach Rod Broadway denied the rumor that he’s leaving the school. He admitted, however, that he is named after a gay porn star.

The Dolphins fired coach Cam Cameron, just 16 games too late. The Knicks have already made an offer.

81-year-old Penn State coach Joe Paterno said he planned to honor his two-year contract. Mother Nature has yet to sign the deal.

Floyd Mayweather is mulling over a move to Mixed Martial Arts, and Roy Jones worked out with the New York Knicks. The two were no longer content with boring fans to tears in just one sport.

And Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. The Yankees have since offered their condolences and a two-year contract.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

January 3, 2008

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Detroit Lions fired offensive coordinator Mike Martz after going 1-7 in the second half. Martz was surprised as it was Detroit’s best second half in ten years. The Detroit Lions had started the season 6-2 before suddenly remembering they were the Detroit Lions.

The San Francisco 49ers did not fire coach Mike Nolan, instead blaming their 5-11 season on global warming.

Marion Jones has asked a judge not to give her jail time, saying her disgrace was punishment enough. Which will set up a very convincing insanity plea. Yes, humiliation is a true substitute for jail time. Luckily for Jones, this is the same judge that ordered an armed robber to be publicly nooggied. In fairness, Jones was stripped of all of her medals. And there’s no replacing those - except with the millions of dollars she got to keep.

Munich is a strong candidate for the 2018 Olympics. Because that went so well last time.

The New York Knicks are so bad, they’re the forth best basketball team in the New York area, behind the Nets, the Liberty, and the NYU Violets. The Knicks are so bad that they make Miami look like they have a good team. A good football team.

And the Boston Celtics have the best record in the Eastern Conference. In fairness, most of their games are against teams in the Eastern Conference.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

December 27, 2007

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The New York Yankees paid a $23.5 million luxury tax, directly to the Florida Marlins. The Marlins plan on using the money to compete with the Nationals for fourth place.

Barry Bonds appeared in court this week, wearing a suit with the biggest neck hole ever.

The Michigan State Spartans benched five players from the Champs Sports Bowl, due to various violations. Among the five were defensive standouts Jonal Saint-Dic and SirDarean Adams, who were benched for having silly names.

Speaking of silly names, in tennis, Dominik Hrbaty pulled out of the Australian Open, after injuring his elbow while trying to buy a vowel.

After a 9-16 start, the Bulls fired coach Scott Skiles. Hey New York Knicks: see how easy that was? In related news, the Miami Dolphins set their coach on fire.

Golfer Lorena Ochoa was selected the AP’s female athlete of the year for the second year in a row, narrowly edging out Alex Rodriguez. Tom Brady won the AP’s male athlete of the year, after impregnating half the judges.

And for the first time in four years, Michelle Wie did not receive one of the four sponsors exemptions to play in the Sony Open. This year, the tournament decided to give the exemptions to golfers.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

December 20, 2007

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The New York Knicks paid Anucha Browne Sanders $11.5 million to settle her lawsuit. Makes sense - the Knicks paying millions to someone who can’t play basketball.

Wayne Huzienga says he’d be willing to sell the Dolphins, or trade them for a pro football team.

The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.

Alex Rodriguez said that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. It may last the whole season, but A-Rod plans to cave in October.

Roger Clemens has denied he used steroids and said he’d love to meet his accuser face to oversized face.

In 2009, George Steinbrenner High School opens in Tampa and for the first time, Steinbrenner will be associated with the grossly underpaid. The school principal has already been fired four times.

Manny Ramirez’s game-used do-rags are available for $26 on eBay. That’s a bargain, considering the current price of oil.

And the New York Mets will raise ticket prices about 20% for next season. The Mets will use the extra cash to pay for all the steroids and losing. Thankfully, ticket prices will decrease by 7% over the last 17 games of the season.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

December 13, 2007

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Job finding site Monster.com just bought a Super Bowl ad. Hopefully, Eric Mangini will be watching the game. Well, we know he won’t be coaching in it.

Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own. Everett already has more mobility than half of his teammates. Everett first stood up during a Bills game - to change the channel.

David Beckham was given the job of the official backstage photographer for the Spice Girls, only to miss the concert with an injury.

Forbes named the New York Knicks the NBA’s most valuable franchise. This thrilled the team’s majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.

Goodletsville, Tennessee’s Brandon Coppinger is officially the best NASCAR video game player, winning the EA Sports Craftsman Challenge. He is truly the best at simulating left turns. Maybe next year he can simulate kissing a girl.

Scott Niedermayer will rejoin the Anaheim Ducks after missing the team’s first 28 games. Niedermayer wasn’t retiring, he just hadn’t realized that the NHL season had started.

And USA Today’s staff has compiled a list of the top 25 college football games from the last 25 years and none of them involve the SEC. Even sadder? In the last 25 years, not one journalism department in the SEC has produced a student capable of working at USA Today.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

December 6, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward’s leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning’s arm.

The Lions’ Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.

Ricky Williams’ season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.

Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating “Don’t Come Around Here No More” to the Miami Dolphins.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR’s most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.

Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.

Dick’s Sporting Goods has purchased Chick’s Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick’s bought Chick’s. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.

Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they’re already starting to smell like glue.

For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.

And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com